Weird

So it's really weird going from being married for 16 years and always having someone to talk to to suddenly...just...not. It's lonely and uncomfortable. I know I'll get used to it but it's definitely an adjustment. I've got my friends I can call or text but they all have their own lives too.

I met with my divorce attorney and looked at a house today. The house was cute but I think it's a little too small. I have no idea where I'd put my office/craft space and that is a must. I'm going to look at another one tomorrow morning that's four houses down from our old house. I'd be living the next street over from my sister, sister in law and baby niece, which is cool. Our relationship has slowly gotten better since Charlotte came into the world. Hopefully by removing the pain point in our relationship, we can start to heal.

Halloween was a non-event for me this year. He was on candy duty so I just stayed inside and did my own thing. We ended up having a very productive discussion and hashed out the majority of the issues for the kids and the divorce without yelling. That's a win! Overall, a good day. A million times better than yesterday.

Must. Stay. Awake.

And just like that, all progress I've made comes crashing down. I haven't slept. Last night I had the pleasure of reading the chat logs of him and the woman he cheated and committed adultery with during our separation in 2016. They were heart wrenching. I've been taking kratom like candy to keep me from sleeping because whenever I try, those words keep running through my mind and I get sick. He's been reaching out to the same girl our entire marriage. I confront him about it and he says "She's always had some kind of spell on me." Yeah, well I guess you got what you always wanted, huh? PS. I hope her husband gets out of jail and takes care of you for me.

His mom says he has to stay in the house so it looks like this hell is going to continue until I find a job and save enough to move out.

Some other info and realizations came about last night that I haven't really processed. I can't talk about those yet.

I'm taking everything to my lawyer tomorrow and asking what I can do.

Sick

We got into a huge fight tonight. I told him to show me his WhatsApp and prove he wasn't cheating. Did he do it? Of course not! He makes me so sick. The girl he cheated on me with in 2016 sent me every chat they ever had to help me bury this bastard. I should post the damn conversations for the whole world to see what a slimy pathetic lying ass he is. Did it hurt to read? Like Hell. Did it cement the fact that there is absolutely no well I would EVER even consider getting back with him? YEP! He claimed he had "clinicals" at a cancer institute making $50k. Reality? He was a deadbeat son of a bitch without a job. He transferred $10K in stocks?! Riiiiiiigggghht. I found out some other disturbing news and let's just say I owe someone a huge apology. He made me lose someone that meant the world to me and I can never forgive him for that. He thinks we're both to blame for this marriage falling apart. No, I'm not having that. The way I was and handled things was a direct result of his actions of cheating over and over and over and over again. Those that think they'll change and stay together for the kids sake, DON'T!  Moving the hell on. One day I'll fall in love with someone that deserves the bad ass loyal loving person that I am. He will die unhappy and alone.

I'm on a roll

I'm on a roll now with no plans to stop! Showers, hair and makeup every day. It's been another productive day, more job applications, more writing therapy, more me time, working the business, and laundry. The black faux-leather power pants are back and I'm loving them! Who knew one pair of faux leather leggings could make you feel so damn good!?

I finally heard back from one of my job applications. Okay, it's been a couple of days...but I need a job ASAP to get my independence back. So the job I heard back from was with an animal shelter to do their social media and photography. How perfect would that be?! Yes, it would be a bit of a hike but to see and help pitties (80% of dogs in shelters are pit bulls) find homes would be totally worth it!

I also got word that one of my former co-workers got a promotion and they're looking to backfill her position. It would be doing what I do best, internal credentialing for my favorit company I've ever worked for. I reached out to my friends there to say to put my name in the ring for that one.

I have a feeling God is working on some amazing things for me right now and I couldn't be more grateful for the spark of life I've found again! 

Kratom

I wish I'd never found out about this stuff. I found out about it when I was researching alternative medicine and ways to deal with two discs herniation and sciatica prior to my back surgery. It is not illegal in the US, yet. Knowing my tendency to become dependent on things, I was terrified of becoming addicted to pain medication. Little did I know how much I would struggle with dependency with it and the ripple effect it caused. I have been off and on it for over two and a half years now.

To understand my dependency on it, you need to understand a little about my bipolar disorder. I am bipolar II, meaning I experience hypomania (increased energy, good mood, confident, productive, some irritability) and depressive (deep depression, a lot of time with suicidal thoughts) episodes that when not treated correctly, can cycle very quickly. I don't experience true mania requiring hospitalization. True mania is when you are a risk to others and yourself  because of reckless behavior. My bipolar leans more toward the depressive side.

After much self thought, here is what I've figured out.

Why I take it - My depressive episodes terrify me. I found that Kratom mimics a hypomania episode where I experience the benefits of increased energy, very productive, happy, and confident. Along with the benefits, I also experience the drawbacks of impulse spending, irritability, low libido, very little sleep and I don't eat. When I relapsed and started taking it again, T.J. and I were fighting. The depression was creeping in and since we didn't have insurance, I knew I couldn't get my meds adjusted. I ran to the only thing I could think of to stop the progression of the depression. That was five months ago.

Getting off of it - I've never experienced anything quite like withdrawing from Kratom cold turkey. I thought I was going to die that first time I tried it that way. The crash from happy and energetic to a deep depression within two days time was horrible. I slept for days to keep from my thoughts, constant shaking, and everything in my body hurting. Think flu times ten. I've heard people say it's like coming off heroin. Knowing I couldn't do that route again I began researching other ways and found that weaning was a much safer way to do it.  I've decreased from eight pills to two with very little side effects. I'm feeling much better and more like myself every day. I hope to be completely off by  November 10th.

Best Day Yet!

Today has been a great day! I feel more like myself than I have in years. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I'm free to be myself without fear of judgement. I woke up to my alarm, applied to about fifteen jobs, showered, got dressed and did my makeup and hair. I did laundry. I worked my business. I helped Addie study. I made dinner (okay, it was a frozen pizza, but still.) I talked to my friends.

I knew I needed to document my pulled togetherness to assure people that I really am okay. Better than okay. I took a few selfies and doubted myself that they weren't good enough. I posted them in a photoshop group to get some edits. I see a message request in messenger to see this message which made my day. I took his advice and used the unedited version. I'll have to thank him tomorrow.

I blocked the ex's number yesterday after more back and forth texts throwing barbs. I've had enough. I will not let him have that kind of control over me anymore. I guess he figured it out this morning and I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a huge smile and enjoyment out of that. Petty? Yes...but I don't care anymore. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it and deal with all the ramifications that come along with it.

Thank God for letting go!

"Emotional Support"

I feel more like myself than I have in years. It feels like a weight has been lifted and the fog has cleared. How did I not see how toxic we were together a long time ago? Now that I've blocked all communication, I can breathe easier. I'm not on edge about the next text he's going to send and what barbs would fly this time. When he realized he was blocked he was texting to accuse me of installing spyware on his laptop, which I absolutely did not do. Yes, I checked his browser history when I got that all too familiar he's cheating feeling and saw exactly what I thought I'd see. I snapped a few pictures and put everything back. Should I have invaded his privacy? No, but he shouldn't have had anything to hide. On Wednesday I said the only thing I request is for him not to immediately date. It is still cheating when we're legally married. He agreed and even said "Oh, I know...people get sued for that." That talk must have freaked him out because then he was searching how guys get busted cheating and whether WhatsApp messages show up on your phone bill. Who knows how long the affair has been going on but I don't care at this point. I just want to be done, for good. FOREVER. Ladies, cheaters will ALWAYS be cheaters. I honestly believed he'd changed since our separation. When I found out he committed adultery during our first separation, I should've gone through with the divorce then. I don't know what's different about this time but it's definitely forever. At this point, even a friendship is wellllll out of the picture. By the way, he called the cheating "emotional support." I'm sorry, if you're looking to another woman for emotional support you'll never learn and will die alone. I know my worth and I don't deserve a man that cheats!

Playlist (Part Two)

The new additions since yesterday

14. Love Yourself by Justin Bieber

And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
But now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own

15.) Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood

Fantasies of what I'd like to do!

'Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
No, not on me

16.) Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake

You were my sun, you were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance, made other plans
But I bet you didn't think that they would come crashing down, no

The bridges were burned
Now it's your turn, to cry

The damage is done, so I guess I be leaving

17.) Give You Hell by the All American Rejects

And you're still probably working
At a nine to five pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where'd it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on

And here's all your lies
You can't look me in the eyes

18.) FU by Miley Cyrus

Then I accidentally saw a few things in your cell
I even LOL'd man I should've known
Why, why you're doing what you do
You, you might as well just tell the honest truth
See I'm not really down with this
This ain't no texting shit
Know I got no biz, but it is what it is

I don't really have much to say
I was over it the second that I saw her name

I got two, ooh ooh letters for you
One of them's F and the other one's U
'Cause what you gotta do, is go get yourself a clue
Only two, ooh ooh letters to choose
One of them's F and the other one's U
SMH, I'm pressing send on you

Oh I know what's been going on
Don't even try to act like Mr Super Nonchalant
What makes you think I'll stick around
I'm not as stupid as you sound and you sound really dumb right now
From A to Z, ooh
I got a lot of nasty things, blowing up in my head
But none of them are worth my time
You're not even worth this rhyme
And I don't, I don't give a flying

19.) Sorry Not Sorry by Demi Lovato

Coming soon...

Now payback is a bad bitch
And baby, I'm the baddest
You fuckin' with a savage
Can't have this, can't have this (ah)

And yeah, I know you thought you had bigger, better things
Bet right now this stings (wait a minute)
'Cause the grass is greener under me
Bright as technicolor, I can tell that you can see
And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt to see me like this
But it gets worse (wait a minute)

20.) Undo It by Carrie Underwood

Should've known by the way you pass me by
There was something in your eyes
And it wasn't right
I should've walked but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand and I let it slide
Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games

You had my heart now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it
You put me through it
I wanna un un un un undo it

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name and I never will
And all your things well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad
Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same
Oh no you'll never change

21.) Mama's Broken Heart by Miranda Lambert

Fantasizing again with this one

22.) Never Again by Kelly Clarkson

I would never wish bad things
But I don't wish you well

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
But it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never

23.) Breakin Dishes by Rihanna

This one is old school from one of the many other times he's pulled the same shit. Fantasizing again.

24.) Send My Love to Your New Lover by Adele

I'd be your last love everlasting you and me
That was what you told me

I'm giving you up
I've forgiven it all
You set me free, oh

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more

25.) Irreplaceable by Beyonce

So go ahead and get gone
And call up that chick and see if she's home
Oops, I bet ya thought that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?

Because you was untrue

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute

So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you
Baby I won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
'Cause the truth of the matter
Is replacing you is so easy

26.) Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons

Break me down and build me up

Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do whatever it takes
'Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains
Whatever it takes
You take me to the top I'm ready for
Whatever it takes
'Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins
I do what it takes

Hypocritical, egotistical
Don't wanna be the parenthetical, hypothetical
Working onto something that I'm proud of, out of the box
An epoxy to the world and the vision we've lost
I'm an apostrophe
I'm just a symbol to remind you that there's more to see
I'm just a product of the system, a catastrophe
And yet a masterpiece, and yet I'm half-diseased

27.) Believer by Imagine Dragons

First things first
I'ma say all the words inside my head
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been, oh ooh
Second thing second
Don't you tell me what you think that I can be
I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh ooh
The master of my sea, oh ooh

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

3 Reasons

This morning he told me he's filing the divorce as at-fault because of my mental health, social media posts and struggles with kratom. Let's break these down, shall we?

1. Mental Health - I am completely stable...until I'm around him. HE is my trigger. Every single mental breakdown in the past twenty years has been about him. He is poison to me and I'm sorry it's taken me this long to realize this. 

2. Social Media - I have done absolutely nothing wrong. It is not a crime to post openly about my life. I'm sure a lot of people don't understand why I share so much, and that's okay. I'm not doing it to bash or ruin him. I'm purposely leaving some things out that don't need to be public knowledge. I'm simply stating my feelings and perceptions of things. I post in this blog as a form of diary during this process. If I ever question my decision to divorce, I will reread these and reaffirm this is the only and healthiest option.

3. Kratom - it is not an illegal substance, he just doesn't agree with it. Do I struggle with addiction to it? Yes. I'm working on getting off of it again. I struggle with addiction to Monster Rehabs. I used to struggle with addiction to 5-hour energies, coca-cola... this is not a new phenomenon. This is a part of bipolar.

Love to Hate

This is a quote from one of my favorite authors. When I first read it, I thought it was a little harsh. Now though, I get it. Hate might be too strong a word. As a Christian, I don't want to hate anyone. Never in my worst nightmares did I think I could feel this way about him and despise him as much as I do. Hearing his voice or seeing him makes me feel physically ill. Whenever he's in the same vicinity I put on my headphones and blare music to tune him out. I expected the anger. This feeling though, no, I was not prepared for it.

Playlist (first half)

1.) DONE by The Band Perry

This was his ringtone before I blocked his number. Immature? maybe...but I can't deal with the constant back and forth over text. He is my trigger to my mental health and I will NOT let him have that kind of control of me anymore. This whole song sums up how I feel. Thank God our kids are older and we only have to co-parent for four more years. After that point I hopefully will have very minimal interaction with him, if at all.

2.) So What by Pink

I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool

3.) Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

You think you got the best of me
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running backBaby you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me
You know in the end the day to left was just my beginning
In the end

4.)  Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again, and again, and again, and again

5.)  A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

This. This whole song hits the nail on the head. PS (It's been four days since I've cried)

6.) Better Man by Little Big Town 

Parts of this apply, parts don't. Surprisingly, I don't miss him...at all.

I know I'm probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn't know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic

I know I'm probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute
And it's always on your terms

But your jealousy, I can hear it now
You're talking down to me like I'll always be around

7.)  Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by Pink

Tie a knot in the rope
Trying to hold, trying to hold
But there's nothing to grab
So I let go

I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

I won't miss all of the fighting
That we always did
Take it in
I mean what I say when I say "there is nothing left"

8.) King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

this makes me think about the past year of our marriage. So controlling and condescending.

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time,
And try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

9.) Lose You To Love Me by Selena Gomez

This song is beautiful and every word of it hits home. He was always jealous of my success in my business so the "Sang off-key in my chorus 'Cause it wasn't yours" line fits perfect. 

10.) Stronger by Britney Spears

Yes! Every word, YES! Plus, it's Britney! 

11.) Smile by Lily Allen

Admittedly, this one is very petty...but true. If I ever see any sad emotion out of him, I'm just going to smile.

See, you messed up my mental health
I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found the light in the tunnel at the end

12.) What Goes Around, Comes Around by Justin Timberlake

This one speaks for itself. Karma will come back around

13.)  We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift

Another self explanatory choice. Our entire relationship has been like this only this time, it's forever.

There's about 13 more on my list but that's enough for now.

Nail in Coffin

On Wednesday, I made one simple (more than reasonable) request. It was a common sense thing really and one that required respect and morals. We agreed. I should've known better. Some people never change. Nothing new. Same old shit. So DONE. FOREVER. Never again.

Blocked

If only you could block someone in real life as easy as you can on social media. We both have meetings with lawyers set up so in order to protect myself I had to block him from everything. He's not being mean per se but cold and emotionless which worries me. I have not seen one ounce of emotion out of him since last Sunday when I got home. That is not like him, at all.

I'm worried. I'm worried he's going to do something vindictive. He might try to use my mental health against me. I hope he realizes that when I'm without him, it's not an issue and I'm completely stable.  I've come to realize that it is him and our relationship that is the trigger to any mental health episode I've had lately. I'm not saying it's his fault but he's absolutely 100% my trigger.  

I was really hoping this wouldn't turn nasty but I'm preparing myself, just in case.

On Repeat

Better Man by Little Big Town

A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans

Fool me once

I keep coming back to his comment "we could always come back together after the divorce" and it makes me want to scream and smack him. The fact that he even has the audacity to think that I would take him back, AGAIN, after tucking tail and running AGAIN is absolutely delusional. Remember, this isn't the first time he's given up when things got hard. And he thinks I'm so stupidly in love with him that I'd take that chance, yet again? Um, no. Never again.

When we took our vows it was for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Not when he decides he can’t deal with my illness anymore. That’s like me leaving him when he gets (yet another) blood clot because he’s a dumbass and doesn’t take him medicine. 

The difference between the first separation and this one is this time around, I know my worth. I'm not the same self-conscious emotionally beaten down woman I was in 2016. I'm a fucking confident badass woman that has higher standards than a coward that doesn't fight for his family. End of story.

Acceptance

I've accepted that divorce is imminent and actually relieved now that the initial shock and fear have worn off. I will always have love for him but I haven't been in love with him for quite a while. I'm looking forward to no more forcing myself to stay up late just so he wouldn't touch me. No more having to hurt his feelings by turning him down when the passion just wasn't there. No more having someone looking over my shoulder to correct my every perceived mistake. No more telling me how I should run my business. No more condescending tones. No more negativity. No more resentment. Mostly, no more settling for less than I deserve.

I think I've always known deep down that this wasn't meant to last. We've both put each other through a lot of crap over the past twenty years. By no means am I placing the blame solely on him.  We both have our fair share of demons that have led to the end. One thing I've always been is loyal. That loyalty is what kept us together when he was a lying, cheating loser for the first ten years of our marriage. This time it has absolutely nothing to do with infidelity and adultery. That, I'm 100% confident of. He has come so incredibly far in that regard and I'm damn proud of him for that. He faced a lot of demons and childhood trauma to get to the point he's at now.

This morning after getting my morning Monster Rehab and waving goodbye to the guy at Kroger Fuel that has been hitting on me for forever, Addison nonchalantly mentioned all the singles signs she's noticed lately. I just kind of laughed. Am I looking forward to finding true love one day? Absolutely! I'm nowhere even close to that point right now. I have a lot of things to work on in myself before going down that road. For now, I'm just going to love myself and pray that my dream man is out there somewhere and has the patience of a saint cause it's going to be a while. Our paths will cross when the time is right, I'm in no rush.   

 

Gratitude

Enough with the sad posts for today. Let's shift gears and focus on gratitude. This week has shown me how to be grateful for what is still right in my universe.

1.) My kids are handling this like champs. Yes, they've seen me break down a few times but they've also seen me wipe the tears and keep going. 

2.) For the most part, things have been civil between us. As long as we keep communication to text and brief conversation things seem to be okay

3.) My mother has been my rock in keeping me calm and sane, per usual. Thank you mama <3

4.) My tribe has shown up for me in a huge way. At any given moment there's always someone checking on me, being my sounding board, my vent line, my advice givers, my support

5.) My Callie's Creations family. They're not just my customers, they're my friends and my biggest cheerleaders.

6.) My new room (minus the damn bed) is cute, cozy and my escape when things get to be too much

7.) My doggies. Penny is always there to kiss away my tears, Grayson is my shadow to make sure I'm never alone and still have a cuddle partner, and Luna is there for her goofy entertainment, a tail wag and a goofy grin.

8.) A community to help point me in the right direction to get some counseling

9.) My sense of humor that still breaks through

10.) My faith that keeps me going even in the darkest of moments

Minesweeper

It's like playing a damn game of minesweeper in my head right now.  It's like... okay, that issue is okay to think about and process, now you have two more chances to work on issues but if you step on the wrong one, you get the anger bomb. Then, everything blows up in your face.

I realize now (hindsight being 20/20) that my meds haven't been working effectively for a while. Logically, I know I need to get them adjusted but I'm terrified of that at the same time. This process of seeing what works and what doesn't has never gone well for me. In the past, I knew he had my back and would be there to catch me if I fell. This time, no, this would be a solo mission. Regardless, I'm going to go see a counselor this week to get the ball rolling to figure it out.

I've decided there's absolutely no way I can handle Bowman this weekend. That's a whole minefield I've yet to figure out how I'll navigate. How do I go back to the place that held so much promise of a future just three weeks ago and now is the site of the nuclear bomb that ended everything?

Bargaining stage of grief...and the heart stab that followed

Sleep alludes me tonight. After three hours of tossing and turning,  I give up on it. Not even my sleep medicine could calm the thoughts and the sick feeling in my stomach. I did what I swore I wouldn’t do. I bargained with him. I had a breakthrough moment of clarity through my hurt feelings and pain and realized I DID want us to work through this and eventually get back together. I’ve been asking myself that question over and over ad nauseam since Saturday. I texted him to see if he was still up and if we can quickly chat.

I raced up to the room to tell him about my moment of clarity and laid my heart on the line while nervously fidgeting. I know this isn’t going to be a quick separation as we both have a ton of crap to work through on our own, but I was willing to fight for us. I see the look on his face.  Turns out he’s already looked up divorce costs. He says I need to plan to move out ASAP so he can process everything and not feel caged. On divorce “It’s just a piece of paper, it’s not that big of a deal. Plenty of people get remarried to each other after they divorce” Not a big deal?! Throwing away the past twenty years in a divorce is not a big deal?! And to think I’d remarry him after THAT?! He’s delusional.

This has been my house for the past seven years since we lost our first to foreclosure. He can’t just do that, can he?  He says I should move to Bowman...two hours away from my kids. Currently there’s a Yurt with no electricity, running water, heat or driveway. Oh, but he’ll pay his half of the land payment to help me. How considerate (heavy sarcasm there) You’ve GOT to be kidding me. FYI: it’s going to cost over $14K to get the land cleared and even ready to build on.

And...here comes the anger stage 😡😡😡

What just happened?

Sometimes your subconscious knows better than your heart.

Let me start by saying I love my husband dearly. That will never change. 

Things haven't been right for a while in our marriage. It's been off, we’ve both been off kilter and not our best version of ourselves. The separation was a mutual decision...kind of. In our latest passion filled fight I remember thinking if he drives off and leaves me in Bowman again, I’m done. (Don’t worry, I had my own car.) Consciously, I didn’t want a separation and was not even considering one on a conscious level. I don’t give up easily and anyone will tell you I’m annoyingly persistent to get what I want. My subconscious thought otherwise apparently. From what I’m told I’ve thrown that threat out a lot lately in our fights. We handle our emotions so differently. I’m a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person and he’s not. I have a horrible trait that in the heat of an argument, I’ll throw out whatever barb I can to get a reaction out of him. Most of the time I don’t even mean it, I just want to see an emotion, any emotion. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s too late and the words are out of my mouth and the damage has been done. I think it’s linked to my bipolar and impulses. 

As he drove off on that cold wet day I immediately thought “what the hell did I just do?” And immediately started sobbing uncontrollably. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I think I knew he was going to say we need a divorce and I was trying to beat him to the punch. I felt abandoned, alone, physically sick, panicked and terrified at the same time and I had no one to blame but myself. 

Knowing I had to go along with the words that came out of my mouth I wrote an email with all the issues I thought we had. My heart sunk a little more when I read his reply saying he agreed with everything and agreed we needed to separate. 

Here I was, trying to keep a happy face while running the store, while my world was crashing down around me. 

What's in a name?

It seems nothing has been easy in my life...and that's okay. It's all my stumbles, falls, self started fires and failures that's made me the person I am today. Like a Phoenix, I rise from my own fiery ashes every time resurrected and full of life. Each time I arise I am wiser and a bit stronger that I was before. I decided to start a new blog as a sort of therapy for myself and anyone that could benefit (and I really enjoy writing.) I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder six years ago after being institutionalized for suicidal thoughts. No, I'm not ashamed of it and do not hide from it (most days at least.)  This blog will be about the journey of a new Phoenix arising from the ashes of a sixteen year marriage to my high school sweetheart and my fight against the stigma of mental health disorders.