What just happened?

Sometimes your subconscious knows better than your heart.

Let me start by saying I love my husband dearly. That will never change. 

Things haven't been right for a while in our marriage. It's been off, we’ve both been off kilter and not our best version of ourselves. The separation was a mutual decision...kind of. In our latest passion filled fight I remember thinking if he drives off and leaves me in Bowman again, I’m done. (Don’t worry, I had my own car.) Consciously, I didn’t want a separation and was not even considering one on a conscious level. I don’t give up easily and anyone will tell you I’m annoyingly persistent to get what I want. My subconscious thought otherwise apparently. From what I’m told I’ve thrown that threat out a lot lately in our fights. We handle our emotions so differently. I’m a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person and he’s not. I have a horrible trait that in the heat of an argument, I’ll throw out whatever barb I can to get a reaction out of him. Most of the time I don’t even mean it, I just want to see an emotion, any emotion. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s too late and the words are out of my mouth and the damage has been done. I think it’s linked to my bipolar and impulses. 

As he drove off on that cold wet day I immediately thought “what the hell did I just do?” And immediately started sobbing uncontrollably. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I think I knew he was going to say we need a divorce and I was trying to beat him to the punch. I felt abandoned, alone, physically sick, panicked and terrified at the same time and I had no one to blame but myself. 

Knowing I had to go along with the words that came out of my mouth I wrote an email with all the issues I thought we had. My heart sunk a little more when I read his reply saying he agreed with everything and agreed we needed to separate. 

Here I was, trying to keep a happy face while running the store, while my world was crashing down around me.