Bargaining stage of grief...and the heart stab that followed

Sleep alludes me tonight. After three hours of tossing and turning,  I give up on it. Not even my sleep medicine could calm the thoughts and the sick feeling in my stomach. I did what I swore I wouldn’t do. I bargained with him. I had a breakthrough moment of clarity through my hurt feelings and pain and realized I DID want us to work through this and eventually get back together. I’ve been asking myself that question over and over ad nauseam since Saturday. I texted him to see if he was still up and if we can quickly chat.

I raced up to the room to tell him about my moment of clarity and laid my heart on the line while nervously fidgeting. I know this isn’t going to be a quick separation as we both have a ton of crap to work through on our own, but I was willing to fight for us. I see the look on his face.  Turns out he’s already looked up divorce costs. He says I need to plan to move out ASAP so he can process everything and not feel caged. On divorce “It’s just a piece of paper, it’s not that big of a deal. Plenty of people get remarried to each other after they divorce” Not a big deal?! Throwing away the past twenty years in a divorce is not a big deal?! And to think I’d remarry him after THAT?! He’s delusional.

This has been my house for the past seven years since we lost our first to foreclosure. He can’t just do that, can he?  He says I should move to Bowman...two hours away from my kids. Currently there’s a Yurt with no electricity, running water, heat or driveway. Oh, but he’ll pay his half of the land payment to help me. How considerate (heavy sarcasm there) You’ve GOT to be kidding me. FYI: it’s going to cost over $14K to get the land cleared and even ready to build on.

And...here comes the anger stage 😡😡😡