Acceptance

I've accepted that divorce is imminent and actually relieved now that the initial shock and fear have worn off. I will always have love for him but I haven't been in love with him for quite a while. I'm looking forward to no more forcing myself to stay up late just so he wouldn't touch me. No more having to hurt his feelings by turning him down when the passion just wasn't there. No more having someone looking over my shoulder to correct my every perceived mistake. No more telling me how I should run my business. No more condescending tones. No more negativity. No more resentment. Mostly, no more settling for less than I deserve.

I think I've always known deep down that this wasn't meant to last. We've both put each other through a lot of crap over the past twenty years. By no means am I placing the blame solely on him.  We both have our fair share of demons that have led to the end. One thing I've always been is loyal. That loyalty is what kept us together when he was a lying, cheating loser for the first ten years of our marriage. This time it has absolutely nothing to do with infidelity and adultery. That, I'm 100% confident of. He has come so incredibly far in that regard and I'm damn proud of him for that. He faced a lot of demons and childhood trauma to get to the point he's at now.

This morning after getting my morning Monster Rehab and waving goodbye to the guy at Kroger Fuel that has been hitting on me for forever, Addison nonchalantly mentioned all the singles signs she's noticed lately. I just kind of laughed. Am I looking forward to finding true love one day? Absolutely! I'm nowhere even close to that point right now. I have a lot of things to work on in myself before going down that road. For now, I'm just going to love myself and pray that my dream man is out there somewhere and has the patience of a saint cause it's going to be a while. Our paths will cross when the time is right, I'm in no rush.