Humiliation

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The Catalyst

So much to update…for one, TJ and I are very much NOT best friends! That all changed October 14th but we’ll get into that later. I’ve been no contact with him for 154 days.

This post is about the catalyst to my spiritual awakening and healing journey. This is about Anthony. The one that flipped my world upside down when I met him October 31, 2019. For the first time after being in a relationship with a covert narcissist, I felt enough for a man. I felt accepted and never judged. It was a stark contrast from my marriage and all if ever known. It was intoxicating and addictive. I fell fast and hard. 

Once TJ caught wind of this however, he reared his ugly head, and chased him away. That fateful night January 7, 2020, that Anthony tried to surprise me by coming over unexpectedly, he drove up to see TJ, my soon to be ex-husband, at my place causing a massive scene. He drove off as I was trying to convince TJ not to unalive himself because I didn’t want him back. One of my biggest regrets is not chasing after the love of my life. I’ll never forget the text from Anthony that night “TJ won, I lost” If only I could have gotten through his past trauma to see the truth of what he saw…

When begging and pleading didn’t work for TJ to get me back, he resorted to blackmail. He went to my family and threatened CPCS on me if I didn’t quit drinking and stop kratom. Terrified and utterly heartbroken I quit kratom cold turkey. The withdrawals coupled with the devastating heartbreak of losing the love of my life threw me into a Dark Night of the Soul. The deepest, darkest, pit of despair and depression I’ve ever experienced. Everything I thought I knew for certain came crashing down around me. I began questioning everything. I couldn’t get out of bed for six weeks.

I was in no state to make any life altering decisions yet was being forced back into a marriage I didn’t want. In the depths of my depression TJ told the kids I was coming home though I had told him “no!” many times. In writing and verbally. The kids had been through two separations and I had no fight left in me, so I begrudgingly went back.

And so started my spiritual awakening and healing journey. The next four and a half years were the hardest, most transformational years in my life…

Definition of Insanity

 

This sums up where TJ and I are at. We keep trying to make it work and it just…doesn’t anymore. Not since my spiritual awakening, not since Anthony. Too much has changed, we’ve both changed so much that we just simply aren’t compatible anymore. We both came to this realization independently and then again together. It’s time to break this cycle, once and for all. I will always love him, we will always be best friends.

That means journeying out on my own again. That means I have to leave my dream home…again. Not pleased about that. I’m trying to talk him into letting me use the 1.5 acres on the other side of the pasture to put a trailer on for me to live in. I don’t want to separate the dogs. I don’t want to leave my little slice of country heaven. I also spoke with the guy who owns the land next to us to see if he’d lease the land to me. It already has septic so I’d need to install a well and get electrical out there. We shall see

Here we are…again

 It’s been 4 years since I started (& forgot about!) this blog. So much has changed yet the same patterns and cycles remain. Four years ago was the very beginning of my spiritual awakening. Four years ago I was headed for divorce and about to meet the man that would irrevocably change my life. Almost four years ago I met my other half, my twin flame, Anthony. Rereading those old blogs just cemented things even more. The moment I laid eyes on those gorgeous blue eyes I knew something huge was about to happen. And it did. The whole foundation of who I thought I was came crashing down. Just to be lovingly be built back up with a solid foundation.

It’s been four years. Yet I’m planning my new solo journey, again. For the fourth time. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Call me insane! This cycle between TJ and I stops here. No more. I’ve learned my lessons now it’s time to exit stage right. ✌🏼 

I read this this morning and it got me thinking about my situation. In my case, it's me that's doing all the things that TJ begged me to do. That I couldn't change about me for him. With him I was never domesticated...he did all the cooking and cleaning and I crafted to avoid it. Yet, now that I'm on my own and I've met Anthony, I'm cooking and cleaning...and enjoying it. 

Misdiagnosed??

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar II years ago, I just accepted it. I took my regular antidepressants and added a mood stabilizer to the mix as suggested. It helped but I would still get brief mood swings. They were never really extreme and always brief before I bounced back. I've really been questioning it lately and have been considering getting off my mood stabilizer. I feel more stable, grounded, and normal since I've moved out. The exact same thing happened when we separated in 2016 and I moved out. It wasn't until I moved back in with him that the mood swings started back. I've been a member of an online bipolar support group and started realizing there are a ton of symptoms that I don't have, nor have I ever had. I don't take nearly the amount of meds or doses as most in the group. I thought mine was just really mild.

Until this morning...and I read this article. Why Empaths are Sometimes Misdiagnosed as Bipolar

Holy shit, this makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE!! Why did I never piece that together before?! Probably because I was hiding from my then believed curse. I thought I was crazy. Now I know it's a gift and I don't think I'm bipolar after all.

Divorce Papers

I got my copy of the divorce papers last week. It threw me for a total downward tailspin that I was not expecting, at all. I was all up in my head all week overthinking. I looked at old pictures, watched old videos, listened to his music, and just cried.

Do I miss him? Yes and no. Is there any salvaging it? Absolutely not. I do miss the times that it was great but it's really foggy and distant through all the terrible times. Our relationship was always volatile cycle. It would be fine, sometimes great, for a few months before everything imploded. We were left picking up the pieces...each time losing a piece or two. We'd patch things up the best we could and carry on, only for it to happen time and time again. Each time we'd lose another piece or two of the puzzle until it became unrecognizable.

I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone to always talk to, vent to, share good news with, cry to. I miss just being held on my bad days. I miss hugs and forehead kisses. I miss random heartbeat texts throughout the day. I miss the banter. I miss affection. I miss cuddling. I miss the nurturing. I miss the adventures. I miss "how was your day?" I miss feeling needed and loved. I miss feeling protected and safe. I miss having a partner in crime. I miss my own personal concerts on the couch while he practiced.

I pray every night that one day I'll have that again but this time, for forever. It'll happen one day.

Never Have I Ever

This is completely and utterly insane. I can't deny it anymore. I have tried so much over the past two weeks to talk my heart out of this. He's given me more than enough reasons to run and never look back. Yet here I am. I knew I was going to love him the second I saw his picture on the dating site. Have I mentioned how absurd this all sounds to me?! I was always the one discrediting the whole "love at first site" thing. No, I'd say, that's called lust, not love. I just rolled my eyes when TJ said that's how it was for him when he first saw me in tenth grade. Impossible. Well, I'll be damned. I was  wrong. Completely wrong.

It's been fourteen days exactly since we first started talking. How is this possible? It's terrifying. Never have I ever experienced such strong emotions for someone that I just started talking to two weeks ago. I feel like I've been waiting for him for my whole life and just didn't know it. Two weeks has felt like forever but yet not long enough. We still haven't met in person (despite my many best efforts) but I know deep in my heart that everything is going to make perfect sense when we do. I can't explain any of this.

Today I read an article about how you only will love three people in your life. I'll link the article here
Basically, your first love (Joseph for me) is the idealistic and innocent or puppy love. Your second love (T.J.) is the more complicated love. The one where you break up and get back together over and over in a vicious cycle thinking it will change. (FYI - it doesn't) It says one day you will give up on that one completely at some point and it will end in heartbreak but will make you stronger. The third love is your final love. It's the one that you never see coming and comes when you least expect it. It says it comes so easily that it seems impossible and it just feels right. Bingo! That article is what made me finally admit to myself what I've been trying to talk my heart out of for the past two weeks. I'm already in love with him. Wholeheartedly, in it for the long haul, put in the work to build a solid foundation, in love. Crap.    

Music is my words

Maybe I should just start communicating by music...

Current Playlist:

I Don't Know About You - Chris Lane

What's your name, what's your sign, what's your birthday?
What's your wrist tattoo bible verse say?
Tell me this, do you kiss on the first date?
Don't hold anything back

What's your dream job?
Girl, where's your hometown, yeah?
What makes your world spin round and around
Are you down to get out of here too?
Tell me everything 'til there's nothing I don't know about you

Prayed For You - Matt Stell

I've never been one to ask for help
If I need a mountain moved I move it myself
I ain't the church pew regular, twice on Sunday
Quote you the scripture kind
I'm far from a preacher
But I'm a believer

'Cause every single day, before I knew your name
I couldn't see your face, but I prayed for you
Every heartbreak trail when all hope fell
On the highway to hell, I prayed for you
I kept my faith like that old King James
Said I'm supposed to
It's hard to imagine, bigger than I could fathom
I didn't know you from Adam but I prayed for you

What Ifs - Kane Brown ft. Lauren Alaina 

Before you make your mind up I gotta ask

What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it's meant to be
What if I ain't one of them fools just playin' some game
What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in
And the stars line up and it's our last first kiss
What if one of these days baby I'd go and change your name
What if I loved all these what ifs away

Or I could kiss you (you should kiss me), what if you liked it (bet I'd like it)
Well we ain't never gonna know unless we try it

Bebe Rexha - Meant to Be (feat. Florida Georgia Line)

I don't mean to be so uptight, but my heart's been hurt a couple times
By a couple guys that didn't treat me right
I ain't gon' lie, ain't gonna lie
'Cause I'm tired of the fake love, show me what you're made of
Boy, make me believe
But hold up, girl, don't you know you're beautiful?
And it's easy to see

If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
So, won't you ride with me, ride with me?
See where this thing goes
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, if it's meant to be

So, c'mon ride with me, ride with me
See where this thing goes

The heart wants what the heart wants

Disclaimer: the him I'm referring to in this blog is not TJ. That's definitely over. Book closed and thrown across the room!

There's no talking my heart out of this. I've tried.

I tried talking to some other guys on the dating sites to take my mind off of him. Didn't work. They were all nice guys that were obviously interested. I just wasn't feeling it, at all. I was half-assing my way through conversations but the whole time I was comparing everyone to him. Why is my heart so dead set on this guy? Does it know something my brain doesn't? Apparently, because my heart won't let it go. I went to a good friend's house yesterday. It was supposed to be just to catch up and pick up some moving boxes. It turned into twelve hours of catching up over a bottle (or two) of wine. I told her all about the past few months, the divorce, and everything that has happened since then. We talked about him and it just made me miss him even more. I promised myself I wouldn't reach back out...but the wine convinced me otherwise. I haven't even met him yet, what the hell is going on in this heart of mine? I was getting so much shit from everyone there all night about texting him (P.S. my friend and her boyfriend met on the same site)  I was getting the lecture that you're never supposed to fall for the first person you talk to. Yeah, yeah, yeah....tell my heart that please. I had no intention of any of this happening but it definitely is. I have no control over any of this...I'm just along for the ride I guess. I deleted my profiles on all the dating sites. It's pointless now. My heart wants what it wants. I'm not the type of person that just gives up either. Oh no, I fight for what I want. If the past two to three years have taught me anything, it's that. I fight. 

Other updates: The housing situation is looking dismal at best. I have got to get out of here, and soon. I need this chapter to be closed so I can start over and rebuild my life the way I want it. I've applied to so many jobs. Jobs I thought for sure I'd be a shoe in for and nada, nothing, zilch. What the hell is going on?! I never thought it would be this hard to get back in to my career. I have sixteen years experience in it. I have an excellent resume. I'm getting so discouraged and scared. Things need to start going right, real soon.   

Wise words

So, last night I cried on TJ's shoulder about another man. 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s been a rough week. It seems like everything that can go wrong this week, has. I’m having zero luck finding a job and the housing situation is super stressful. I’m having to rely on my parents for everything and it doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve ALWAYS been able to provide for myself and this situation seems hopeless. I keep reading that when everything falls apart it means something great is coming. I sure hope so because this sucks!

TJ was downstairs making coffee and I just needed a hug so I asked him for one. As soon as he held me tight, I lost it and started balling and told him dating sucks when he asked what was going on. His replied with “I told you we weren’t ready for that yet.” He just held me for a few minutes while I calmed down. There was no loving feelings there, just a friend giving me a hug...which was weird. Hopefully we’ll heal enough eventually to become best friends again so we can co-parent peacefully. 

My bestie of twenty years, who’s been doing this online dating crap for a few years, had some wise words on our call last night. “You loved the IDEA of him, not the man himself.” True! So so so true. It was the idea of someone that I had so much in common with that I loved. When I really think about it, he wasn’t even close to my standards. I need someone that can hold a meaningful conversation, is ambitious, has just as lofty goals as I do, and for God’s sake...can spell and use somewhat correct grammar! Huge pet peeve there.  

My parents put in an application for a house to rent for me today. It’s so cute and would be perfect for the kids and I and Grayson. It even has a fenced in yard! I’d have to drive the kids to TJ’s or school but it’s only 8 minutes so that’s not bad. I’d be walking distance to my parents new house, so that’s a plus. 🤞🏻🤞🏻

I’m dying to decorate for Christmas! It’s usually done by now but I’ve got to wait until I get into the new house.