The Catalyst

So much to update…for one, TJ and I are very much NOT best friends! That all changed October 14th but we’ll get into that later. I’ve been no contact with him for 154 days.

This post is about the catalyst to my spiritual awakening and healing journey. This is about Anthony. The one that flipped my world upside down when I met him October 31, 2019. For the first time after being in a relationship with a covert narcissist, I felt enough for a man. I felt accepted and never judged. It was a stark contrast from my marriage and all if ever known. It was intoxicating and addictive. I fell fast and hard. 

Once TJ caught wind of this however, he reared his ugly head, and chased him away. That fateful night January 7, 2020, that Anthony tried to surprise me by coming over unexpectedly, he drove up to see TJ, my soon to be ex-husband, at my place causing a massive scene. He drove off as I was trying to convince TJ not to unalive himself because I didn’t want him back. One of my biggest regrets is not chasing after the love of my life. I’ll never forget the text from Anthony that night “TJ won, I lost” If only I could have gotten through his past trauma to see the truth of what he saw…

When begging and pleading didn’t work for TJ to get me back, he resorted to blackmail. He went to my family and threatened CPCS on me if I didn’t quit drinking and stop kratom. Terrified and utterly heartbroken I quit kratom cold turkey. The withdrawals coupled with the devastating heartbreak of losing the love of my life threw me into a Dark Night of the Soul. The deepest, darkest, pit of despair and depression I’ve ever experienced. Everything I thought I knew for certain came crashing down around me. I began questioning everything. I couldn’t get out of bed for six weeks.

I was in no state to make any life altering decisions yet was being forced back into a marriage I didn’t want. In the depths of my depression TJ told the kids I was coming home though I had told him “no!” many times. In writing and verbally. The kids had been through two separations and I had no fight left in me, so I begrudgingly went back.

And so started my spiritual awakening and healing journey. The next four and a half years were the hardest, most transformational years in my life…