Fight like hell

I have been blogging daily, but I've decided to keep some of them private and not share everything with the world. Some things I just need to keep to myself. Pretty novel idea coming from me, right?! The one who always overshares.

So, today was one of those days. It started off great and just went downhill from there. Everything in my life is just a freaking roller coaster right now. One second I'm riding up the hill and gaining traction and momentum, then I'm down at the bottom wiping tears off my face in the middle of Walmart and trying to keep it together. Over and over and over.

We haven't been at each other's throats, which is good, but I need to get out of here. We all ate dinner together tonight and that was a mistake. It was awkward. He bought a homeless man dinner tonight. Deep down, he's a good guy, just terrible for me. I need to hold onto and remember all the terrible things he's done to me so I don't fall into the comfort trap and start this cycle all over again. It will never work between us. There's too much baggage. I know this now. I should've known this years ago. Deep down I did but three years ago I wasn't the same person I am today. I had no self-confidence and didn't value myself.

Look at all I've accomplished in the past three years. I fought tooth and nail and made some pretty bold moves to get my weight loss surgery. I worked my ass off to lose 120 pounds and gain my self confidence and belief in myself back. I submerged myself in self-help books to get better and be better. I became the mother I always wanted to be and stopped letting myself get in my own way. I suffered through the worse pain I've ever dealt with when I herniated two discs in my back and the resulting back surgery that followed. The kratom addiction. I fought to get my company where it is today. I took a huge leap of faith when I quit my fifteen year career to pursue my passion.

No, I'm not nearly the person I was during the first separation...I'm so much better than that lost girl. I'm a bad ass woman who has taken every challenge thrown at me head on. I refuse to go back. I will not backslide back into bad habits and a toxic relationship. I know what I want and what I deserve this time and I will not settle for less.