Never Have I Ever

This is completely and utterly insane. I can't deny it anymore. I have tried so much over the past two weeks to talk my heart out of this. He's given me more than enough reasons to run and never look back. Yet here I am. I knew I was going to love him the second I saw his picture on the dating site. Have I mentioned how absurd this all sounds to me?! I was always the one discrediting the whole "love at first site" thing. No, I'd say, that's called lust, not love. I just rolled my eyes when TJ said that's how it was for him when he first saw me in tenth grade. Impossible. Well, I'll be damned. I was  wrong. Completely wrong.

It's been fourteen days exactly since we first started talking. How is this possible? It's terrifying. Never have I ever experienced such strong emotions for someone that I just started talking to two weeks ago. I feel like I've been waiting for him for my whole life and just didn't know it. Two weeks has felt like forever but yet not long enough. We still haven't met in person (despite my many best efforts) but I know deep in my heart that everything is going to make perfect sense when we do. I can't explain any of this.

Today I read an article about how you only will love three people in your life. I'll link the article here
Basically, your first love (Joseph for me) is the idealistic and innocent or puppy love. Your second love (T.J.) is the more complicated love. The one where you break up and get back together over and over in a vicious cycle thinking it will change. (FYI - it doesn't) It says one day you will give up on that one completely at some point and it will end in heartbreak but will make you stronger. The third love is your final love. It's the one that you never see coming and comes when you least expect it. It says it comes so easily that it seems impossible and it just feels right. Bingo! That article is what made me finally admit to myself what I've been trying to talk my heart out of for the past two weeks. I'm already in love with him. Wholeheartedly, in it for the long haul, put in the work to build a solid foundation, in love. Crap.    

Music is my words

Maybe I should just start communicating by music...

Current Playlist:

I Don't Know About You - Chris Lane

What's your name, what's your sign, what's your birthday?
What's your wrist tattoo bible verse say?
Tell me this, do you kiss on the first date?
Don't hold anything back

What's your dream job?
Girl, where's your hometown, yeah?
What makes your world spin round and around
Are you down to get out of here too?
Tell me everything 'til there's nothing I don't know about you

Prayed For You - Matt Stell

I've never been one to ask for help
If I need a mountain moved I move it myself
I ain't the church pew regular, twice on Sunday
Quote you the scripture kind
I'm far from a preacher
But I'm a believer

'Cause every single day, before I knew your name
I couldn't see your face, but I prayed for you
Every heartbreak trail when all hope fell
On the highway to hell, I prayed for you
I kept my faith like that old King James
Said I'm supposed to
It's hard to imagine, bigger than I could fathom
I didn't know you from Adam but I prayed for you

What Ifs - Kane Brown ft. Lauren Alaina 

Before you make your mind up I gotta ask

What if I was made for you and you were made for me
What if this is it, what if it's meant to be
What if I ain't one of them fools just playin' some game
What if I just pulled you close, what if I leaned in
And the stars line up and it's our last first kiss
What if one of these days baby I'd go and change your name
What if I loved all these what ifs away

Or I could kiss you (you should kiss me), what if you liked it (bet I'd like it)
Well we ain't never gonna know unless we try it

Bebe Rexha - Meant to Be (feat. Florida Georgia Line)

I don't mean to be so uptight, but my heart's been hurt a couple times
By a couple guys that didn't treat me right
I ain't gon' lie, ain't gonna lie
'Cause I'm tired of the fake love, show me what you're made of
Boy, make me believe
But hold up, girl, don't you know you're beautiful?
And it's easy to see

If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
So, won't you ride with me, ride with me?
See where this thing goes
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, if it's meant to be

So, c'mon ride with me, ride with me
See where this thing goes

The heart wants what the heart wants

Disclaimer: the him I'm referring to in this blog is not TJ. That's definitely over. Book closed and thrown across the room!

There's no talking my heart out of this. I've tried.

I tried talking to some other guys on the dating sites to take my mind off of him. Didn't work. They were all nice guys that were obviously interested. I just wasn't feeling it, at all. I was half-assing my way through conversations but the whole time I was comparing everyone to him. Why is my heart so dead set on this guy? Does it know something my brain doesn't? Apparently, because my heart won't let it go. I went to a good friend's house yesterday. It was supposed to be just to catch up and pick up some moving boxes. It turned into twelve hours of catching up over a bottle (or two) of wine. I told her all about the past few months, the divorce, and everything that has happened since then. We talked about him and it just made me miss him even more. I promised myself I wouldn't reach back out...but the wine convinced me otherwise. I haven't even met him yet, what the hell is going on in this heart of mine? I was getting so much shit from everyone there all night about texting him (P.S. my friend and her boyfriend met on the same site)  I was getting the lecture that you're never supposed to fall for the first person you talk to. Yeah, yeah, yeah....tell my heart that please. I had no intention of any of this happening but it definitely is. I have no control over any of this...I'm just along for the ride I guess. I deleted my profiles on all the dating sites. It's pointless now. My heart wants what it wants. I'm not the type of person that just gives up either. Oh no, I fight for what I want. If the past two to three years have taught me anything, it's that. I fight. 

Other updates: The housing situation is looking dismal at best. I have got to get out of here, and soon. I need this chapter to be closed so I can start over and rebuild my life the way I want it. I've applied to so many jobs. Jobs I thought for sure I'd be a shoe in for and nada, nothing, zilch. What the hell is going on?! I never thought it would be this hard to get back in to my career. I have sixteen years experience in it. I have an excellent resume. I'm getting so discouraged and scared. Things need to start going right, real soon.   

Wise words

So, last night I cried on TJ's shoulder about another man. 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s been a rough week. It seems like everything that can go wrong this week, has. I’m having zero luck finding a job and the housing situation is super stressful. I’m having to rely on my parents for everything and it doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve ALWAYS been able to provide for myself and this situation seems hopeless. I keep reading that when everything falls apart it means something great is coming. I sure hope so because this sucks!

TJ was downstairs making coffee and I just needed a hug so I asked him for one. As soon as he held me tight, I lost it and started balling and told him dating sucks when he asked what was going on. His replied with “I told you we weren’t ready for that yet.” He just held me for a few minutes while I calmed down. There was no loving feelings there, just a friend giving me a hug...which was weird. Hopefully we’ll heal enough eventually to become best friends again so we can co-parent peacefully. 

My bestie of twenty years, who’s been doing this online dating crap for a few years, had some wise words on our call last night. “You loved the IDEA of him, not the man himself.” True! So so so true. It was the idea of someone that I had so much in common with that I loved. When I really think about it, he wasn’t even close to my standards. I need someone that can hold a meaningful conversation, is ambitious, has just as lofty goals as I do, and for God’s sake...can spell and use somewhat correct grammar! Huge pet peeve there.  

My parents put in an application for a house to rent for me today. It’s so cute and would be perfect for the kids and I and Grayson. It even has a fenced in yard! I’d have to drive the kids to TJ’s or school but it’s only 8 minutes so that’s not bad. I’d be walking distance to my parents new house, so that’s a plus. 🤞🏻🤞🏻

I’m dying to decorate for Christmas! It’s usually done by now but I’ve got to wait until I get into the new house. 

Fight like hell

I have been blogging daily, but I've decided to keep some of them private and not share everything with the world. Some things I just need to keep to myself. Pretty novel idea coming from me, right?! The one who always overshares.

So, today was one of those days. It started off great and just went downhill from there. Everything in my life is just a freaking roller coaster right now. One second I'm riding up the hill and gaining traction and momentum, then I'm down at the bottom wiping tears off my face in the middle of Walmart and trying to keep it together. Over and over and over.

We haven't been at each other's throats, which is good, but I need to get out of here. We all ate dinner together tonight and that was a mistake. It was awkward. He bought a homeless man dinner tonight. Deep down, he's a good guy, just terrible for me. I need to hold onto and remember all the terrible things he's done to me so I don't fall into the comfort trap and start this cycle all over again. It will never work between us. There's too much baggage. I know this now. I should've known this years ago. Deep down I did but three years ago I wasn't the same person I am today. I had no self-confidence and didn't value myself.

Look at all I've accomplished in the past three years. I fought tooth and nail and made some pretty bold moves to get my weight loss surgery. I worked my ass off to lose 120 pounds and gain my self confidence and belief in myself back. I submerged myself in self-help books to get better and be better. I became the mother I always wanted to be and stopped letting myself get in my own way. I suffered through the worse pain I've ever dealt with when I herniated two discs in my back and the resulting back surgery that followed. The kratom addiction. I fought to get my company where it is today. I took a huge leap of faith when I quit my fifteen year career to pursue my passion.

No, I'm not nearly the person I was during the first separation...I'm so much better than that lost girl. I'm a bad ass woman who has taken every challenge thrown at me head on. I refuse to go back. I will not backslide back into bad habits and a toxic relationship. I know what I want and what I deserve this time and I will not settle for less. 

Whoa

So, there's this guy....

O.M.G.

What the hell is going on?! I feel like a damn school girl

My age
Freaking amazing eyes
DAMN good looking
No games
Two older kids
Does vinyl work
plays guitar

and get this...

Loves Hallmark Christmas Movies

Lord help me!

Girls just wanna have fun

So...I'm going out tonight. First night EVER going out as a single woman. It's nerve wracking, yet exciting. Amazing outfit, full makeup and hair, perfume, the works. Just waiting on the call. While I wait, here's today's summary.

More resume and job applications. I applied to one today that is a credentialing auditor position with a healthcare company. It's exactly what I did for six years at LT.com. It's based out of LA but it's a remote job...I think, I hope. I need to find a job ASAP!

I went to go look at the house on the street we used to live on and it's perfect! It's very outdated but he said I can paint and make updates where I want. For big projects, I'd of course have to get permission. I learned that lesson in college. (And this house for that matter since I most likely won't see a dime I put into it now.) A little bitter about that one.

I worked on an order. Callie's Creations has been a struggle this week. Lack of motivation and job hunting. I decided to close shop in Bowman. It just doesn't make sense anymore.  I don't want to be there now and I can't afford it. The Bowman thing still hurts. That was my last ditch effort to save twenty years and I really thought it was working. I thought we were going to be able to make it and then everything just imploded. It's for the best and I know in my heart it had to happen but it still hurts.

Got the text, it's go time!