Misdiagnosed??

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar II years ago, I just accepted it. I took my regular antidepressants and added a mood stabilizer to the mix as suggested. It helped but I would still get brief mood swings. They were never really extreme and always brief before I bounced back. I've really been questioning it lately and have been considering getting off my mood stabilizer. I feel more stable, grounded, and normal since I've moved out. The exact same thing happened when we separated in 2016 and I moved out. It wasn't until I moved back in with him that the mood swings started back. I've been a member of an online bipolar support group and started realizing there are a ton of symptoms that I don't have, nor have I ever had. I don't take nearly the amount of meds or doses as most in the group. I thought mine was just really mild.

Until this morning...and I read this article. Why Empaths are Sometimes Misdiagnosed as Bipolar

Holy shit, this makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE!! Why did I never piece that together before?! Probably because I was hiding from my then believed curse. I thought I was crazy. Now I know it's a gift and I don't think I'm bipolar after all.

Divorce Papers

I got my copy of the divorce papers last week. It threw me for a total downward tailspin that I was not expecting, at all. I was all up in my head all week overthinking. I looked at old pictures, watched old videos, listened to his music, and just cried.

Do I miss him? Yes and no. Is there any salvaging it? Absolutely not. I do miss the times that it was great but it's really foggy and distant through all the terrible times. Our relationship was always volatile cycle. It would be fine, sometimes great, for a few months before everything imploded. We were left picking up the pieces...each time losing a piece or two. We'd patch things up the best we could and carry on, only for it to happen time and time again. Each time we'd lose another piece or two of the puzzle until it became unrecognizable.

I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone to always talk to, vent to, share good news with, cry to. I miss just being held on my bad days. I miss hugs and forehead kisses. I miss random heartbeat texts throughout the day. I miss the banter. I miss affection. I miss cuddling. I miss the nurturing. I miss the adventures. I miss "how was your day?" I miss feeling needed and loved. I miss feeling protected and safe. I miss having a partner in crime. I miss my own personal concerts on the couch while he practiced.

I pray every night that one day I'll have that again but this time, for forever. It'll happen one day.